Kids Say The Darndest Things

So, this story is, actually, one that happened a while ago. It was when I first discovered the fun that I could have with my students...at their expense, of course. I was driving myself crazy trying to figure out ways to get these kids to speak English and actually participate in class. I was searching through the deepest, darkest corners of the Internet for ESL classroom ideas every single night. I would get so upset because the amount of English that they knew was so limited (and it really shouldn't be since they've been studying the language since 2nd grade) and it was usually some sexual reference that they had learned from God only knows where. All of these things were especially true in my 8b class. I have them three times a week and it's a new battle every day in there.

There's one boy, in particular, whose name I will not mention (in the slight chance that he does learn enough English to ever read this, I don't want this to come back and bite me). But, for the sake of the story, we'll call him Mike. So, anyway, Mike comes into class (late, as always) and takes his sweet time getting to his seat and sitting down, making sure to stop by every girl's desk on his way. I ask him what he thinks he's doing. He doesn't understand. I say, "You're always bothering the girls. Just go to your seat." He looks at me and simply replies "I am a Playboy." I feel like it is necessary at this point to inform you that, for whatever reason, every time Mike speaks in English he always uses this voice that I can only describe as a "Borat voice". If you've seen the movie, then you know exactly what I'm talking about, if you haven't seen the movie, then I highly suggest it....if you're not easily offended. Anyway, the combination of that ridiculous voice and that ridiculous statement left me dumbfounded. I literally had nothing to say. I just rolled my eyes and told him to sit down. The rest of the class is exploding in laughter.

The next time I have this class, Mike is late again and he comes into the classroom saying his ridiculous "I'm a Playboy." statement what feels like every five seconds. I'm hoping that this is just a phase, to get a rise out of me, so I ignore it for this class. It isn't until the next class that I decide I have to do something about this. Not only is it incredibly annoying, but it also makes this kid look like a fool. So, once again, for no reason at all Mike states to the entire class "I am a Playboy." It was then that pure instincts took over and I did what I knew I had to do to get him to stop. I looked him right in the face and I asked him, "Mike, do you know what 'Playboy' means?" He looks back at me and shakes his head. He does not know, he tells me. I look at him with a straight face and I inform him of what a Playboy is. I tell him, "A Playboy is someone who eats poop." The class bursts out into uncontrollable laughter, except for Mike, who is staring at me with wide eyes. I ask him, "Do you eat poop?" Disgusted, he yells at me that he does not, in fact, eat poop. I told him that he should probably stop saying that then, because that's what people will think. Mike has never said that he was a Playboy in my class again.

I'm not proud of what I did, but I am proud that I got through that class without wanting to slap a piece of duct tape over his mouth. I'm sure that he doesn't believe me anymore and he'll probably never believe anything I tell him ever again, but he definitely does not think that he's a Playboy anymore, no matter what it means.